December 7, 2003
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Pardon me…I was in a good mood till I talked to Laur tonight. I know she means well, but damn did she piss me off tonight….
Sigh…Ok, breathe
I’m not gonna let this ruin my mood. Well, I’ll try not to
Ok…Well, I really wanted to write about a certain someone
A certain, tall, young, Danish man who entered my life a little over 2 months ago….
We hit a bit of a rough patch last night, but we resolved it to the extent we could. It needs time, but we’re both putting in effort for each other. This relationship is too valuable to just throw it away.
It hasn’t been long, but this relationship really has been wonderful. Mike is wonderful. He is so good & kind & caring. He treats me well. Too well. To be perfectly honest, I don’t deserve someone as good as him. He is kind & gentle & innocent. I look at myself, I’m a used up piece of shit (literally). I’ve been used & abused. Trampled on. I’m cynical & jaded. I’m dark from the ashes of all the times I’ve been burnt. I’m dirty. I compared myself to a used car to him once. I’m used, have high mileage, have a ton of dents & rust, have major wear & tear on my parts… He deserves so much better! His soul is bright & shining. New. He hasn’t seen or been a part of the filth that I have. He deserves someone who is purer in spirit than myself.
Don’t get me wrong, I am MORE than greatful to have him. He is a blessing. He truly is. Being with him is amazing. Yes, there are issues. There are issues in EVERY relationship. It depends on the people involved. Are you willing to put in effort & sacrifice & put the other person before you? I personally believe that each person is supposed to put the other first, and then everyone wins. Sure, shit happens. We’re all imperfect. But if you’re willing to admit that & work on it both on a personal level & as a couple, then you’re on the right track. Every kind of relationship takes work & sacrifice: family, friends, lovers… It’s all the same. Relationships die when they’re one-sided and/or the effort & compromise cease. It’s easy to let that go, but how much more rewarding it is when you do! I look at my grandparents, my mom & her beau, Dawn & Justin, Lauren & Jeff….They’ve all had to sacrifice a lot, to work for each other, and they are so happy! Their relationships are extremely strong. Their hard work was worth it. I KNOW this is the case for Mike & I. I told him the areas I need to work on for myself. I’m trying. It’s difficult, but it will benefit us both, and so I am trying. I know he’s been trying too. It’s harder for him because he has so much more going on with school, work, etc. But I know his heart is in it. I’m not giving up. He means too much to me. More than words could ever describe. Living without his warm, wonderful smile wouldn’t be living. It would be empty & cold. I could never imagine life without him now. This may be hard, but damn it, I’m not giving up. Not on him. Not on us. I am willing to work & give & do in oder to get “us” in the right direction. It’s been worth it so far, I can only imagine how much more we will gain from plugging away even more…
So, here’s to you, Mike, Honey! Can’t wait till Wednesday when I can see your warm, sweet, wonderful face again!
Comments (3)
This posts gives me very much conflicting emotions…I’m filled with a lot of gratitude and joy that you feel that way about me. I’m also filled with a lot of anger. STOP PUTTING YOURSELF DOWN. Reasons: My job, and you’re crazy enough to believe it.
“I look at myself, I’m a used up piece of shit (literally). I’ve been used & abused. Trampled on. I’m cynical & jaded. I’m dark from the ashes of all the times I’ve been burnt. I’m dirty. I compared myself to a used car to him once…”
baby. we have all been there.
But you are valuable, beautiful, and wonderful. You are a sweetheart. You are not a piece of shit, you are a wonderful person that God loves so much.
And I love you too.
Donna
You certainly DO deserve someone like Mike. It’s about time, too! I feel like you do sometimes. I wonder why anyone would want to love me considering all the baggage {emotional,mental & physical} I’ve got. But when love does happen to people who think like we do, it is because it these people can see who we really are underneath all the shit. They see that we are people with beautiful souls and caring hearts dying to love someone who will love us in return….regardless of our past, present or what the furture may hold. They love us unconditionally and THAT is a rare find indeed! Yes, you are lucky to have Mike in your life loving you, but he is equally as lucky ( no matter what you may think!)
h.