December 25, 2003

• Sigh….I have so much unpacking to do.  I told my mom I am NEVER doing this again: packing up myself & the kitten & staying over night.  Way too much work    But I’m back, Akh is settled, eating her dinner.  I’m just beat.  And I have to work tomorrow, too    Oh well.

  
  

  Today was nice.  Everyone liked their stuff.  I got some nice stuff, too.  I’m just too tired to go into detail    As Stephen would say, I am in my moon (ladies, you know what I mean) & my energy is really crazy right now.  I’m just bouncing from one thing to another & I’m totally wiped out at the same time    This is killing my stomach, though.  I need to go back on the shot…my bad stomach issues are magnified 10-fold by this.  As much as I hate injecting myself with hormones, I also can’t live feeling like I’m going to vomit or just keel over & die 24-7 for however long.

  
  

  I miss Stephen.  Thought about him all day today.  I REALLY hope he calls me tomorrow, even if it’s just to say hi.  I want to see him again.  Maybe he & I can get together for dinner tomorrow or saturday night.  It would be nice.  I’ve done a lot of thinking about him & I.  One thing that struck me was that he gets it.  He just gets it.  He understands me, he understands life.  He knows there’s so much more to life, which is why & how we’ve had the conversations we have.  He, unlike any other male I’ve been with, is 3 dimensional.  He is multi-faceted.  There is do much depth to him.  My ex-husband & Vinny were stereotypical & 2-dimensional.  I think Vin may have had some potential, but he let his insecurities rule his life.  Mike DEFINETLY had potential for depth, but again, he let his insecurities take over.  At the moment, he is flat, 2-dimensional.  Stephen, though, has so many layers to him.  Due to experience, education, and open-mindedness.  He says the same about me.  We can talk about anything & everything.  There’s a ton of respect there, too.  We learn a lot from each other & we can tell each other things & not fear judgement.  He told me & showed me some things of his which, on an emotional level, are risky to show an outsider.  But he showed me or told me, and I understood & respected them.  It meant a lot that I didn’t judge him.  I was able to do the same with him.  For me to talk about the cat that I hit with my car & tell him it was a karmic lesson was risky.  Most people think I’m crazy or stupid for thinking that.  Not Stephen.  I haven’t gone into detail with him, but I know if I told him of my encounters with Keith Doug after his passing, or the soldier from the battle of Culloden in Scotland, he wouldn’t judge me.  I haven’t told many people, and when I do, I down-play it because it makes me sound insane.  But Stephen gets it.  He understands & would never think those encounters were bizarre or stupid.  I’ve never been totally honest with anyone.  I’ve found I needed to hide certain things from certain people, especially my family.  But, I hid feelings, events, etc from my ex or Vinny or Mike, even my friends.  Hell, Lauren didn’t know Vinny was a druggie or that I was smoking cigarettes & weed when I was with him until WAY after the break-up.  It’s not that I’m trying to be mean or hurtful.  Lauren would have kicked my ass.  My family just doesn’t understand me, so why add to their confusion.  In any of the times I kept something to myself, it was either to save my hide (physically) or not come off sounding like a total wack-job.  Again, though, I don’t need to be that way with Stephen.  I love that, I really do.  It’s so nice being with someone who I can talk to about ANYTHING.  We can make total asses of ourselves & laugh to death, or we can discuss our beliefs & connections to nature, etc.  I always felt an amazing peace wash over me after our discussions, even in the very beginning.  Now I feel that & it’s magnified.  I am so comfortable around him, and that too, is a new, wonderful feeling. 

  
  

  Wow.  It’s after 11.  I need to go to bed.  As much as I’d love to go on & on, I can’t    I hope everyone had a great Christmas.  I’ll check in with y’all later.  Good night!

  • 11:15 pm
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