December 28, 2003
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I have my tattoo sitting tomorrow! Yea! I’m excited. It’ll be great. I love Lynn, and being with her alone will be wonderful.
I haven’t heard from Stephen since early last night when I put up that post. It makes me anxious & nervous & worried. Maybe he’s just resting, I don’t know. But he hasn’t CALLED me in days. I wonder if he lost my number or if something is legitamtely wrong. Sigh….
Lauren sent me an e-mail tonight. I thought things were better since we decided to drop the bullshit from the last time. Everything was fine, but she thought that since I didn’t divulge information on the Stephen situation that she “lost her status” with me. This is the kind of shit that kills me. There have been things she doesn’t go into detail with me & I let it be. So, why can’t I have the same courtesy? And why does it have to be turned against me? I don’t like the idea of my situations becoming ammunition that has turned against me. The thing is, I was in her house with her entire family around, and maybe, just maybe, I thought it wasn’t the right time. I told her it was nothing against her, because it isn’t. I’ve known her for too long & love her too much. She would know if there was a problem
She knows me, my temper & my sharp tongue well enough to know that But getting back to the subject, I’m just terribly confused. I honestly don’t know. I know the age difference is weird, but I DO want to be with him. I told her that too. That pretty much brings her & the rest of the world up to date Sigh again…. I guess I kinda brought this on myself It’s just to so weird that these situations find me. I love Lauren & I wonder why I can’t have what she has (minus the baby). Maybe I could…Maybe I shouldn’t be with men any more. Goddamn it, I just don’t know! I was at Orient Point just the other day. I lit some candles, burnt incense & TRIED to consult my oracle yesterday, but I still haven’t found the peace or solid answers I normally find with both of those. My soul is anxious, restless. Ironically, I’m watching “Girl, Interrupted.” From what I’ve watched, I really connect with Wynona Rider’s part (plus, I think she looks good, I find her kinda cute in this ). Maybe I should go try to draw or paint. Maybe I’ll go back to Orient point, too. Ever since my divorce & relationship/break-up with Vinny, I really try to go to outside sources (people, places & things) for answers, since outsiders can see things differently (and often more clearly) than me (or any person IN a situation). I just wish I got all the same answers like I did with Vinny or my ex-husband. These mixed reviews kill me Sigh….Oh well. Maybe - hopefully talking to Lynn tomorrow can help. She knows both Stephen & I very well, maybe she can shed some light on this for me. Ok, I’m going to stop rambling now. I’ll let you all know how it goes tomorrow.
Comments (1)
<LABEL id=HbSession SessionId=”51613249″>Let the answers come to you. Try not to force them. When I get anxious and am confused I push harder, but what I really should be doing is sit back and wait until the answers come to me. Things have already started to fall in place for you Laur… it is just a matter of time before everything sorts itself out and becomes crystal. I know it sounds terribly cliche to say all this, but in your case I feel it is the best thing right now. Your relationship with Stephen started off so naturally, so forcing nature’s hand just seems like a bad choice. This is just the vibe I am getting….
ANYWAY, I am up to the chapter on movement, dance & gesturing during ritual in Cunningham’s Wicca book. There is alot to remember and grasp. I tried copying some of the hand gestures tonight while reading and I got some strange looks from my daughter. She was like “Mom! What ARE you doing!” *chuckle* Some of the gestures came quite naturally to me, but others I struggled with. I am going to go with whatever feels right, I guess.
I am learning alot and have even perused the Gods/Goddess index in the back of the Moon Magick book and have felt a certain affinity towards a couple of them. Right now I am facinated with the Egyptian goddess Bast. She is the Cat Headed Goddess, the mother of all cats, goddess of fire, the moon, childbirth,fertility,pleasure,benevolence,joy,sexual rites,music,dance,protection against disease & evil spirits, warmth, all animals but especially cats,intuition & healing.
I always said that I was a cat in a previous life. Not that I am lithe & catlike physically, but mentally I feel catlike. I love to find a warm patch of sun to curl up in. I love being stroked on my hair, my face, my body. Sometimes, like a cat, I want to be touched and around people, and then sometimes I like being aloof and going solo. I stretch like a cat and I believe I have 9 lives too! *chuckle* Despite everything Ive been through I still manage to land on both feet! Black cats are the most sacred and I have one! His name is Ebenezer. Bast is also the goddess of fire ( I am a fire sign. Yup a Sagittarious! I also have a certain affinity for the moon.) Her traits of benevolence, warmth,pleasure, joy,intuition, childbirth, fertility, healing & protection against evil spirits appealed to me as well!
Learning so much is exciting!
*kiss*
H.