Well, I did get SOME stuff done    Not all, but I'm going to try & do a little bit each day now...

Anyhoo, 2 things that I need to get off my chest before I go to bed.

#1 - I just had the most amazing consult with my oracle.  I don't know if discussing it will hurt or ruin anything.  But I'm really excited...It was SOOOOOOOOOOOOO powerful & poignant.  It really hit home & each card made me think on so many levels.  I'm just so excited!    Yea!

#2 - This is going to sound REALLY bizarre, but...  I JUST killed a bug.  I don't do insects.  I wanted it out of my apartment.  I don't know what type this is, but they live throughout the building & every once in a while I see them here...One here or there, I think the most I saw was 3.  Anyway, my point is, I believe in the sanctity of ALL life.  And yet, I just killed.  A different kind of killing than say, euthanasia.  And I wondered if I was wrong for taking this life, and it even made me think about karma.  Will this (and all the other bugs I've killed) come back to me?  Is it wrong for me to do this?  I know this sounds crazy, but it really made me think.  The problem is, I can't get these out of my apartment.  Since they live in the building, they'll come back & I don't want anything near the girls.  Hmmmm.  Well, I am sorry to the little guy/gal tonight.  I will try to think of a humane way of dealing with this.

Well, I'm FINALLY home, only to have a million & one things to do...God I wish I had a day to myself to just take care of everything.  An extra set of hands would be helpful, too.

The cleansing ritual I'm doing is kind of a combination of things I've read & learned.  I've been soaking all the jewelry I got from this person in water with sea salt in my cauldron since last night.  Later, I will burn some sage and "bathe" the jewelry in the smoke.  I will then hold each piece in my hands, completely covered & breathe deeply, and feel MY energy going into the piece with each breath.  Lastly, I'll leave them out on a towel or blanket of some sort & let them absorb all the energy in my house, from me, my pets, etc.  They should be ready by the morning.  I'm doing a longer ritual because this was complicated relationship that ended very harshly.  I'll be meditating & burning some incense later, too.  That should help as well.  Ironically enough, as soon as I took out the earrings & out another pair on & placed all the jewelry into my cauldron, I found my ATM card.  And I found another earring I was missing (I had it's match, but could not find this one, no matter how hard I searched or where I looked).  Coinsidence?  I think not!  Amazing how that works, isn't it?

Heather, I am so excited you're getting the Scott Cunningham book!  Enjoy it over your vacation.  You'll find it to be an easy read & he is so laid back & warm...It's hard to describe, but I really love the way he writes & what he has to say.  Even if one is not interested in becoming Wiccan, this book is a great explanation of Wicca.  That is great.  I really think you'll like it.  Have fun reading it!

Well, I REALLY need to go....I desperately need to clean the apartment, the girls, myself    And I HAVE to meditate tonight, I really need to consult my oracle & get some guidance.  First, though, I'm off to eat dinner    

I don't think my morning could have gone any worse    I went to go to the Saddlery to buy my office manger her xmas gift (of course I pick HER for the secret santa thing), and I go there & can't find my ATM/Visa card.  Not in my wallet, not in my car.  So, it must be home.  I drive home & nearly run out of gas.  I scrounge up $4 with bills & change.  I get home....Not there.  I go back to the saddelry & write a check, which I could have done INITIALLY!  So, now, I'm running late.  So I head out to work & I'm running out of gas AGAIN.  I found 50 cents & put that in.  Somehow that gets me to the bank near work where I write myself a check & cash it.  Now I FINALLY have money for food & gas.  I ended up getting to work 10 minutes late, but I was able to eat & put gas in the car!  LOL....Oh sweet humility.  I still can't find the card, or a few other things, actually.  But I'm REALLY disorganised right now, my apartment is a mess & I'm wearing earrings with a negative aura.  That may sound strange, but during all the crazy shit that happened last week, I was wearing these earrings.  Over the weekend, I was given new earrings & I wore those & things went well.  So, I'm going to go cleanse & sage these.  I like them & don't want to get rid of them due to negative energy, so I'm gonna go take care of that & shower & go to bed   

LMAO...I'm going to have an enterage next Tuesday to the 2nd sitting Tat appt.  Dawn, Jestin, Kari & Tiffany are ALL coming.  It'll be cool, but I'm a little worried about Stephen.  When Justin said he was coming, Dawn made a comment about him (Justin) kinda putting Stephen in his place.  I quickly gave an adimet "No!"  I told them he was a very good friend of mine & no matter what, I wanted him to remain in my life.  Justin seemed understanding & respectful of that, Dawn was skeptical.  It will be fun (and odd since I've never had an audience before), but how do I "warn" Stephen about Dawn....Do I even say anything?  Or do I tell him to watch what he says or how he acts around me?  And if so, how do I break that to him nicely?   Hmmmmmm....  Ack!  Oh well, he & i had a great phone conversation tonight & I'll just live off that for now 

Boy am I itchy!    The tat is REALLY peeling  So work was ok.  I got to see Dawn & Kari & Tiffany tonight (yes, the girl I have the hots for....lol).  They all saw the ink & LOVE it.  I got to undress Tiffany a couple of times tonight, too....She & the others were trying on dresses for a performance they have on Friday    It was fun.  I'd never push her, she's not sure if she is bi or not, and as great as it was to show her my boobs, I still kept my distance (even in joking) out of respect for her.

My phone service got cut off....I just paid it & am waiting for service to return....Just a few minutes.  But it's just another hassel.  Sigh/argh 

My mind is all over the place about Stephen.  Time will tell.  I just know that he is very important to me, and no matter what, I do not want to lose his presence in my life.

My best friend is being a total bitch right now & it's killing me.  Right after last Thursday when I stopped talking to Mike & the Stephen & TV show hit, she got all pissy saying I wasn't giving her time.  I told her my life was crazy & I'm sorry that I needed time for my personal business but it was nothing against her.  Well, that was her way of telling me something was wrong.  I know what it is now.  It's not good, it's scary as hell & I'm worried about her, but she's trying to make me out to be a bad guy for not instantly reading between the lines & knowing that the attitude meant she was in a bad place.  I keep apologising to her & telling her how shitty this is making me feel, but goddamn it, don't blame me!  I'm sorry I was an ass & could decipher your code.  I just don't know what she wants from me.  It kills, because I want nothing more than to be there for her, comfort & support her.  She says she wants that too, yet she's aiming her guns at me at the same time.  It's frustrating & hurtful & confusing.  No matter how much I think about it or talked about it today with Dawn & Kari, it's eating me away & pissing me off at the same time.  I really just need to let it out, which is the point of this entry.  I just wish she could ease up a little, see things from my vantage point for one second & not blame me.  I feel shitty enough not being there with her, for her, but this just makes it worse.  Sigh....I gotta go lubriderm myself & call the girls up....I might be meeting up with them & Justin for dinner/desert/whatever.  Like an ostrich, ifd it's not there, it can't bother/hurt/affect me    Bad way of handling things, I know.  But right now, with my entire emotional life taking on the form of a roller-coaster, NOT thinking is a good thing 

Well today was one interesting day    It took me almost 3 hours to get to Manhasset this morning!  LOL....It was frustrating at the time, and was just the beginning    I FINALLY got in & caught a train, which got me in 1/2 hour late.  So, then I get a taxi to take me to the spot.  And I'm walking up & down 7th Ave between 57th & 59th trying to find the place.  I asked people, I searched buildings...Couldn't find it.  So, I finally call them...They were between FORTY eigth & ninth, not fifty...LOL.  So, now I'm walking 10 blocks.  Normally, that would not be an issue.  But this is NYC where people try to run you over even when they have a red light, and there are people every where & no one is ever walking fast enough until they almost knock you over as they run past.  Gotta love NY    So, anyhoo, I got there did the video thing which lasted 15-30 min.  It was fun, odd but fun.  I won't hear for 2-3 weeks.  Oh well.  Anyway, I finally got home around 2pm.  From there, I went to see Stephen.  I only just got home now!     We just talked & talked & talked, as we always do   He bought me a rose, gave me a crystal & some sage & sweetgrass.  At one point, he mentioned that he had 3 of birds in a freezer that he wanted to cremate, but no one wanted to help him.  I told him he could do that through me, and he was fighting back the tears.  I know some of the history behind these birds & I knew it was important to him, but I didn't know it was that important.  He was so appreciative.  I'm glad I can help.  I told him to tell me when he was ready & that I would take care of the rest.  It was a great moment.  We did discuss the age thing, and we're just gonna see how it goes.  We think alike & we both learned a lot from each other tonight, and on an intellectual/emotional level, we have an intense, intimate relationship.  We'll see where it goes from here.  Yes, Heather, love does overcome all, even age.  It's a little odd, but I'm not pushing anything, and neither is he.  We had a quick kiss goodnight, but it was so fast...  I guess that will come next time    Well, I REALLY need to go to bed...Gotta get up for work.  Good night!   

Well, today was interesting...  Number one on everyone's list was the capture of Saddam Hussein.  Wohoo!  Although he is not the only monster we're after, at least we caught the bastard!

I had a few interesting things/thoughts today, but something struck me as I drove home from my family tonight.  I've still been REALLY confused about the whole Stephen thing.  I love him so much, but in a pletonic way.  Although we could talk endlessly, I never thought anything more of our friendship due to the severe age difference & a lack of attraction.  But his asking me out has really thrown me for a loop.  I found myself asking myself so many questions & taking different perspectives on the situation.  The bottom-line is I am too creeped out to persue a romantic relationship with someone who is old enough to be my father.  But I found myself worrying about how he'd take that.  I'd never want to hurt him, he is too important to me.  I considered putting his needs/wants/fantasies before me and my morals.  I KNOW i shouldn't do that.  Damn my crazy up-bringing    It really was ingrained into me to put others & their needs before myself.  And I know find that I cannot understand how to be a giving person & still look out for myself.  Where is that balance?  How do you achieve that balance?  How do I let Stephen down gently?  We'll talk, and hopefully it will turn out well.  It would be too weird, though, if we hit a rough patch or got involved in something that crosses too many incorrect boundaries.  Either way would throw off a delicate balance, a beautiful friendship that we enjoy right now.  Assuming I get on, I'll have the show to help me find people.  Sigh....I don't want to hurt him or ruin what we currently have, and I just don't know how he'd react to this.  If he values me as much as I do him, he'll understand.  Well, that's how it's supposed to happen, right?

Ok, ok.  I don't like beating dead horses, but, one last thing, due to the comments reagarding my post a couple of days ago when I was crying & Mike was watching the movie...

It was not intended to be hurtful, I needed a way to vent & I did.  I would not have needed this outlet had things played out the way they should have.  I am a very reactionary person.  If I am pushed, I will push back.  'Nough said.

So yeah, my life is just rockin' right now.  I spent the evening with my friend Elisabeth.  We met in tech school, and she is the only person I've kept in touch with.  She's married to a prick, and has an abusive history, but that's besides the point.  I helped her out with some stuff, and I love doing that for her.  No one has ever really helped her the way I have, and I just love hanging out with her.  So, I had a good saturday night (that's a rarity   ).

I may come across as a heartless bitch due to my resiliency with Stephen, the show, etc.  Here's the thing:  Yes, this whole Mike thing hurt like hell.  But damn it, I've come too far now to let anyone or anything get me down.  I'm proud of myself & I am so happy where my life is.  I cannot and will not let another insecure male ruin ME.  As Pink says in "Respect" and "18 Wheeler" "'Cause this body is a priceless piece/Of  lovin' unconditionally/...Hey ladies, yeah?/Let 'em know it ain't easy/....It's time to be greedy/Nothing good comes for free" "You can push me out the window/I'll just get back up/You can run me over with your 18 wheeler truck/And I won't give a fuck/You can hang me like a slave/I'll go underground/You can run me over with your 18 wheeler but/You can't keep me down."  That just rings true & I'm living by it.  Yeah, the Stephen thing is freaky, no doubt about that.  I plan on REALLY talking things out with him when we hang out on Monday, and I know that no matter the outcome, it will be good for both of us.  We love & respect eachother too much to fuck up the beautiful friendship we have to just live in the moment.  And the show would just rock.  Clearly I'm doing something wrong since I keep attatching myself to these insecure men.  I would LOVE to fix that about myself & know how to attract the right people & get into a good, healthy relationship.

I'm just sitting here, Akhenaten is looking up at me, purring away.  Tobar's jealous    LOL.  My mom's Christmas present arrived today.  Yea!  And Elisabeth bought me this BEAUTIFUL dolphin candle holder-thing with a dolphin stand & shade, it's pewter & blue glass.  It is so nice.  She & I had a bit of a miracle tonight    We checked on her hamsters & mice which are being kept in an upstairs room (her husband won't let her turn the heat on for the house, so they sleep in the living room by the fire-place, but there's a lot more to the housing situation) & NONE of the hamsters seemed to be breathing.  The room was COLD & the hamsters appeared to be too.  I felt horrible...5 dead hamsters!  Poor Elisabeth was crying & blaming herself.  I told her she couldn't blame herself, Jim, her husband, is not a force to be reckoned with.  If he says no, then it's NO.  Anyway, as we talked & I tried to comfort her, she saw one breathing.  I thought she was in denial, but I looked anyway.  It was!  We checked every one.  4 were "hibernating"...They were alive, we rubbed them to stimulate blood flow & wake them up & warm them up.  She's getting them out of the house on Monday, putting them in homes.  But they should be fine.  One was dead, and she thought he was dead the last time she was up there, so even though it was sad, she kinda knew.  But 4 lived!  How awesome is that?!  Wierd, though....I gotta look that up.  They are desert creatures, so I don't know if they were hibernating or close to death from hypothermia.  But they should be ok now.  She was so happy.  I'm glad that things turned around....She's had a rough year.  Her mom OD'd and died, her grandmother passed away, she lost several pets, and more.  I love that girl & I just want her to be happy & safe/  I told her as I left tonight, that she can always call me & that there's a futon here with her name on it if she ever needs.

Boy, this is REALLY random    Sorry it doesn't flow properly, I am DEAD tired, and clearly that is affecting my thought process    LOL....Well, I should go to bed.  Gonna chop down the xmas tree with Mom & Dick tomorrow.  Hopefully the snow will hold off until AFTER we get the tree    Yawn....Yep, I'm getting sleepy    Have a goodnight.  I will check in tomorrow....If not, DEFINETLY on Monday 

Needless to say Mike & I had a HUGE fight last night...I was so hurt, being stabbed in the back.  But I just keep thinking back to Stephen's philosophy on life lessons & I KNOW he's right.  Mike himself is not a bad person, but these actions are bad.  Given a few years & some real life experience, I think he will see the forrest for the trees, but now is not the right time.  He needs to find himself, gain his self-confidence & become strong in himself in every facet of life.  I went through the same thing, we all did.  The difference was that I did not get into a relationship or commit myself to a person, to any degree, during that time in my life.  I don't think Mike realizes that now is not a good time to attatch himself to ANYONE.  I truly believe that he just needs time.  Is there potential for us in the future?  Who knows...I'll be lucky if I wake up alive tomorrow 

So, in case this week has not been dramatic enough for me, I checked my voice mail today at lunch.  Back in September, I had e-mailed an application to TLC's "Date Patrol."  They called me today!  I have a video interview Monday morning!  I may actually get on the show!  LMAO!!!  How funny/bizarre is that?  I am so siked!  I know I may not get on, but I never thought I'd get this far....This shit NEVER happens to me    If it happens, it'll be awesome to be taught how to find/pick the right kind of people....This will be so much fun!  I will keep you all up-dated.

Stephen called me AGAIN....We've talked every day since wednesday's inking....I love him & look forward to Monday, but I can't "date" him....It would be too weird to say the least.  Sigh...What ever!  I don't really care, I just don't want to get myself into another predicament.  It'll play out the way it needs to, I know.  My head is just swirling from all the events of this week.  I'm still missing Mike, even though it's clear this was not meant to be, not right now any way.  I'm excited about my tat, confused about Stephen, overwhelmed by the thought of being on Date Patrol....It's just been so much!  Oh well, such is life....And I am NOT complaining 

I do have to make some quick religion remarks, mainly because they've been the special of the week...  Religion is NOT supposed to hurt.  The point is to help us understand the world around us, give us & peace, comfort & hope for this life & the after life.  We all have different perespectives & experiences, thus everyone's religious beliefs are different.  That should be known, understood & respected.  No one religion is better than another.  It's just not.  Any judgements should be made based on the person, not their religion.  Religion to any extreme is bad.  We all know how "bad" extremist Muslims are, the same apllies to Buddhists, Jews, Pagans & yes, Christians.  Christ did not judge, he loved all: the wealthy, the lepers, the tax collectors & the beautiful.  To be a REAL christian, one should strive for that & not judge, hurt, or comdemn another human being.  I know that Christianity is a beautiful religion & is good for many people.  It's just not correct for me.  That does not make me a bad person.  I made my decision to become a Witch based on many things: life experiences, life philosophies & things that just made sense.  The coven that introduced me to Wicca, held a stone one night....We were outside on a summer night & we all passed around a beautiful stone.  We each said what kind of energy we felt coming from it.  I've thought stuff like that all my life!  If I brought a rock home to my parents (when I was kid) & asked my parents if they felt that energy, they'd look at me like I had three heads!  But, these women knew & felt what I did.  I belonged.  That is why.  There was no anger or defiance.  It was just right.  That is true religion.

Well I have a TON of stuff to do...I should go & TRY to get it done    I'll keep everyone up-dated on my soap-opera life 

Deep breath...I wasn't even sure if I was gonna post today, I was doing ok.  Then I read Mike's fucking post.  I said what I had to say in my comments, Mike. 

Lynn was telling me in the tat parlor that Stephen once told her that sometimes shit happens to us in our lives, and that it's a lesson.  But it may not be a lesson for us, it may be a lesson for the other person.  I truly believe that is the case here.  I guarantee that Mike's perspectives will change given some time & real world experience.

I was gonna keep this to myself, but FUCK IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The question Dawn challenged me with was regarding the GORGEOUS 26 year old woman named Tiffany.  Since I met her, I find myself thinking about her often.  She is beautiful & has a soul to match.  She, like me, is bi, but has never been with a woman.  It would have been a great first experience for both of us.  Dawn asked me if I'd leave Mike for Tiffany.  I said no because I wanted to wait & see how things played out with Mike.  It would be beyond disrespectful to do that to him, so I didn't.  Although, I do think about her.  So, maybe now...  But then today, Stephen asked me out!  LOL....I said yes, we could hang out.  He is 52, and I told him I have reservations about such a severe age difference, but he said we'll do whatever I'm comfortable with....He'll let me lead, he wouldn't jeopardise the beautiful friendship we have just because he's attracted to me.  We're gonna hang out on Monday...I have no expectations, no goals for it, just to enjoy his wonderful company.  Honestly, I am uncomfortable with the idea because he is so much older, and I'm viewing this as friends getting together.  But he's a great person to be around, he's been a wonderful friend & that's all I need or want.  Then, there's H.  She is a beautiful soul & is someone I am so glad came into my life & I would REALLY like to get to know her better.  In the past few weeks, she has proven what a great person & friend she is & I greatly appreciate that.  Hopefully our friendship will continue to grow.  And, currently I am listening to Pink.  God is she hot!  I have always had a thing for her    Looking at her pic on the CD....She is soooooooo beautiful.  I wouldn't mind waking up next to her....LOL 

Dawn told me that she hoped this experience made me see how beautiful & sexy I really am.  Last night's tat & the shit today certainly did     Mike saw me look REALLY hot over the weekend...And now THAT is on the market    Ya know, I tried so fucking hard & got no respect in return.  It's my turn.  I'm going to enjoy everyone & everything that comes into my life.  I'm just happy to be.  Would I like to pursue a relationship with Tiffany?  Definetly, but I'm not gonna rush into anything.  If she was interested, maybe we'd start hanging out, I don't know....No need to rush or push.  Tiffany, Stephen, Pink: these are really more fantasies than anything, but a girl can have fantasies, ain't nothing wrong with that 

Mike, I would like to still do Christmas Eve/Christmas day, but not if you see me as "darkness" as that Bible entry stated.  That's for you to decide.  I'm not writing this to be hurtful or spiteful.  I almost told you Dawn's question last night, but I didn't want to hurt you, but if your post is going to "come clean" & say the shit that it did, I can too.  Can you be friends with such a sinner?  'Cause it's not like Jesus hung out with prostitutes or tax collectors or anything.  Think about THAT "darkness."  Well, if not, I'm still giving you your xmas gifts, even if it means just dropping them off.  You decide & call me.

Well, I need to go...I have SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much stuff to do.  God, I cannot wait for this 6-day work week to end, I haven't gotten ANYTHING done.  And I'm tired as hell too    So, that's it for tonight.  Goodnight, world. 

PS....As of 11 pm, Christmas IS cancelled....But you'd better read your e-mail.  And as I said in our "chat" tonight, religion is not supposed to hurt....it is supposed to bring you joy, comfort & understanding?  Where is there joy, understanding or comfort here?  My belief system says that beliefs are personal & should be left as individual, which I always have.  I understand & respect that no one will think exactly like me & that's cool....Cause I can LEARN from other beliefs & perspectives.  I don't view ANY other religion as "sinful"....what gives you the right to say that mine is?!